I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
