i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
