i need an iv and a liver transplant
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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