Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
