So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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