She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
