You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
