I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
