The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
