You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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