is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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