Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
