I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Send help, water and tortillas.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
