hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
