There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
