I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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