I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
