my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
