Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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