new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
