Where is the hickey?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
