that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My liver just had a heart attack.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
