just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
