You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
