I met the friendliest cop last night
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
