I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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