Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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