I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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