dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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