He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
