Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
