im holly from the hills drunk
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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