i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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