Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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