sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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