You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
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