Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
