just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
