its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
