The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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