Redeem this text for a blowjob
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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