I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
