He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
