well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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