all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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