so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
