Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
