So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
