I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
