woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
two words: eviction party
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
