Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
