when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
